Two Sides

I’ve always been careful of:

-The words I use
-When to talk & when to be quiet
-When to speak my mind and when to hold my tongue

Ever since I was a young girl I’ve always felt there were two sides of my personality

1- people pleaser, careful, timid, empathic, great listener
2- Outgoing, loud, outspoken, stubborn, adventurous

I’ve flipped back and forth my whole life. Part of my heart and soul says to do one thing while the other is in complete contrast.

Why can’t both sides form one identity, one purpose! I’m so tired of standing on the fence not sure which side is the right one for me.

Why am I like this? Even when people explain situations to me I can always argue pro and con points of view. Maybe I was destined to be a world famous mediator.

I started writing this by saying I’ve always been so careful. When I was younger I let one side of my personality take control in which my life became quite complex. The other side helped me pick up the pieces of my so called life and get my act together.

I was never a big decision maker (DM). Through my childhood, youth, teenage and young adult life I always asked for advice. That in itself is a positive thing but completely relying on what other advise me to do is not healthy. I have never fully trusted my intuition. Only in the last few years have I been forced to be the DM. My husband has a passive approach when I ask him for his advice. Dam it! It is exactly what I need.

I have strokes of genius when it comes to organization and plans. What I’ve learned to do is to hold on to that idea/choice, let it sit with me over a period of time and 9/10 times that once great idea loses its luster. Or maybe is it that I am too chicken to take a risk.

I see my son exhibiting the same traits. What can I say to help? I don’t want him to have to struggle like I do. This is a constant tug of war within. I’m tired and I’m only 29. Some days I feel like letting loose, like a 30 year old meltdown. Guess what side is telling me to gain control and get a hold of myself…Does anyone else feel this way?